Joyride (1996)

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ALERT: This is going to be a long one!

Okay, here's the description for this movie that the Movies On Demand channel provided:
"Three slacker kids out for kicks decide to nab a car, only to discover that their new wheels are the rightful property of a crack female assassin -- and she's hot on their trail."
Sounds awesome, right?
Well that's what I said, until I paid $2 and watched it myself.

It's got pre-Spiderman Tobey Maguire, so it could be good.
It's got a couple of scenes with Adam West, so it could be good.
That girl looks like a whore, so it could be good.
They're stealing a kickass car from a f-cking female assassin, so it could be good.
But it just wasn't good.

This is what the description and the first few minutes of the movie made me expect:

• High speed car chase
• Shooting
• Gratuitous sex scene
• Someone getting killed in a really awesome way

Too bad hardly any of that happened.
There was some mild shooting, and a couple of guys did get killed, but it didn't even look cool.

Plus, there was no gratuitous sex scene!
The whole time, they're implying that the main girl (that's not the assassin) is pretty much a total slut, and her dad (Adam West; awesome!) is whoring her out to people.
You keep thinking that her and Toby Maguire are gonna get it on, but it never happens!
They go skinny dipping, and you think they're gonna do it, but then his little buzzkill gay friend pops up and ruins everything.
And towards the end, they're making out in the assassin's car, and then the assassin and his little buzzkill gay friend pop up and ruin everything.
(Also, some old guy trys to rape the girl, but the assassin kills him.)
There's really, like, no nudity at all.

I really wanted some explosions, but there's only one at the end, and I'm not even sure that it made a lot of sense...

Also, you should know by now that I'm definitely not a fan of continuity issues.
There are a few in this movie, but one in particular really bothered me.
The guy who's trying to rape the (whore)girl gets shot in the head.
A little bit of splatter goes onto the wall, but it really looks like someone just took a red marker and shook it really hard in that direction.
Then the camera pans over to the bed, where a HUGE pool of blood is all over the blankets.
There should not be THAT much blood from a head wound.
Then it shows him sliding down a wall on the other side of the room!
What the F-CK??
I don't understand their logic...
Another thing about that scene is that you see all these pictures of models and sexy ladies heavily adorning this girl's motel room (the whole movie pretty much takes place in the motel that Toby Maguire's character's dad owns), so I was wondering, how long has she been staying there??
Weird.

Another thing: the scene where the kids find the body in the trunk.
So they find the body, and Toby Maguire wants to keep the car, so they decide to dump the body in the lake, and the little buzzkill gay friend gets upset and walks away.
Toby Maguire and the whore girl then dispose of the body themselves, all while this lame, sort of ambient background music is playing. (if you've seen "Dead Poets Society," I would describe this music like about half of the background music in that movie)
Not only is it really lame music, about halfway through the scene you hear some faint saxophone start to kick into it.
That totally killed the scene for me!

My final word:
Rent it, so you know how retarded it is. It's fun to watch with friends!

~Ella.

P.S. If you get bored with it, fast forward to the scene where they beat up the rednecks.
It's actually a pretty good bit!